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Ashley Judd's husband wins Indy 500

By Tom Mott

Indianapolis Speedway (LaughFish.com) - Despite rain that cut the Indy 500 short by 35 laps to 165, driver Dario Franchitti, the husband of actress Ashely Judd, came out the winner this Memorial Day Weekend. In a related story, Ashley's sister Wynonna won the annual Louisville Memorial Day Hotdog Eating Contest by downing 135 hotdogs in 45 minutes of a 1 hour contest that was also cut short by rain. Said Wyonna, "I was shooting for 200 pigs in a blanket, but what can you do. I won, and that's all that matters."

Rosie still stuck in river

By Mully Mulrooney

Sacramento River, CA (LaughFish.com) - A spokesman for the U.S. Coast Guard said today that they are open to any suggestions that would help lead Rosie O'Donnell out into San Francisco Bay. "We're stymied," said Captain Steve Borshen. "We've tried Cheez-Its, Haagen-Dazs and Carmen Electra, all to no avail. I can report however that looking through my binoculars, it appears that she is pouting about something."

Lindsay Lohan booked on DUI

By Tyrone Kingston

Los Angeles, CA (LaughFish.com) - Hard partying is beginning to take its toll on one of Hollywood�s brightest young starlets. Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. When reached for a comment, Paris Hilton said, I call the top bunk.

Lindsay Lohan crashes

By Jennifer Foyt

Washington (LaughFish.com) - Not to be outdone by Paris Hilton who will be spending 23-days in jail for violating probation on drunk driving charges, actress Lindsay Lohan last night plowed her Mercedes convertible in to a set of trees and made sure there was cocaine in the car. Said Lohan, "I'm hoping this will get me 5 to 15 years in prison. Top that, Paris!"

Clinton, Obama support early withdrawal

By Vlad Lattner and Jennifer Foyt

Washington (LaughFish.com) - Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) defended their recent decision to support Rosie O'Donnell's early withdrawal from The View. Said Obama, "I know it looks like a cowardly act, but Rosie was going to be leaving in June anyway. What does difference does a few weeks make?" Said Clinton, "I, for one, was getting a little irritated with the constant bickering between O'Donnell and Hasselbeck. I think the early withdrawal was the right decision for all parties involved."

Bush makes the wrong call

By Vlad Lattner and Jennifer Foyt

Washington (LaughFish.com) - President Bush was one of the millions of American who TiVo'd American Idol on Wednesday night only to discover that the show ran 3 minutes late. Said Bush, "Laura and I were mortified when we came home from a black tie dinner with the Prime Minister of Maguwabi to discover that the winner was named after 10PM. I figured I had a 50/50 chance when I called Blake Lewis to congratulate him. Boy was I red."

Congress votes to boost minimum wage

By Vlad Lattner

Washington (LaughFish.com) - For the first time in more than a decade, Congress voted this week to increase the minimum wage over a two year period from $5.15 to $7.25. The House of Representatives approved the legislation 348-73, and the Senate approved in an 80-14 vote. When asked what he'll do with the additional money, Wal-mart worker Roy O'Malley (pictured) said, "I plan to change my attire from the plastic Wal-mart bag to the canvas one."

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